On today's episode of WNYC's new popup advice show, journalist and producer Nayeema Raza, host of the podcast "Smart Girl, Dumb Questions," leads a conversation about finding love (starting with loving yourself) and dating for long-term compatibility, with Relationship expert Jillian Turecki, author of the forthcoming book Rewrite Your Story: How to Step into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve. Listeners call in with their questions, experiences and tips for finding romance, love and ultimately, partnership.
Note: You are listening to the podcast version of a live radio show. The call-in number only works between 1 and 2 PM Eastern, while the show is live.
If you'd like to submit advice questions to be featured on the show, or topic suggestions for future shows, please use the form on our showpage at wnyc.org/advice
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Nayeema Raza: Welcome to Please Advise, a pop up advice show from WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. I usually host the podcast Smart Girl, Dumb Questions, but this week, I'm with you on Please Advise, helping you get answers to all of your questions, and the week is going to be action-packed. We'll be talking dating, mating, and procreating, moving through the phases of romantic partnership, which can feel so hard these days, at least it does for me. It definitely doesn't feel as easy as it did on the TV shows we grew up with.
Here's the plan. Tomorrow on Please Advise, we'll be talking about mating, locking in partnership, and creating a home with that special someone, or special someones, as the case may be. On Wednesday, we'll be procreating, not literally, but we will be talking about family planning, fertility challenges, if having a family is even affordable these days, and why so fewer people are doing it now. Today, we're going to start with dating, how it all begins. Do you want some dating advice? If so, our lines are open at 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692.
You're listening to Please Advise. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza, and I'm going to be joined today by an amazing guest, Jillian Turecki. She's a certified relationship coach, the host of the Jillian on Love podcast, and author of the forthcoming book, Rewrite Your Story: How to Step Into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve, which is available for pre-order now. Jillian, welcome to Please Advise on WNYC. It's such a pleasure to be with you because I have long been one of your 4.1 Instagram followers. I think I was following you before you even hit a million.
Jillian Turecki: Oh, wow. I'm honored. Thank you so much for having me.
Nayeema Raza: Thank you. We're going to get all of your dating advice. There are millions of people who want it. Listeners, if you're with us, please tune in. If you need some help navigating a challenging dating situation, a relationship you're already in, or you're looking to start again after a breakup, call us. Our lines are open. Jillian and I are waiting. It's 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. Hi, Jillian.
Jillian Turecki: Hi.
Nayeema Raza: While we wait for some people to call in, I feel like I get this moment of advice from you, which I'm so excited about. We are right now at peak singledom. I think Pew has it that 42% of US adults are unpartnered. Most single people aren't even dating. Maybe first, how do you think about staying hopeful in this time? What's your advice for those people who are out there looking for love to stay optimistic?
Jillian Turecki: I think part of the reason why there's more single people, there's more women choosing to be single. Look, most of the women I speak to, they still want to be partnered, but nonetheless, there are a lot more women who are choosing to enjoy their lives not in a relationship. I think that's a big change.
I also think the fact that we've become so accustomed to staying indoors and to getting our food delivered, to getting our groceries delivered, to get everything to us, we're living in the time of convenience. Unfortunately/fortunately, you have to be out in the world if you want to meet someone. You can't just rely on the apps. How do you remain optimistic? I don't think it's a matter of optimism or pessimism. I think it's a matter of changing habits.
Nayeema Raza: Right. I think that that is really well said. There has been this kind of advertisement that you can just find love on your toilet seat these days. Just swipe away on an app while you're sitting there, and it's proving challenging. I think more and more people are looking to date in real life. I recently started a new relationship with someone I met in real life.
Jillian Turecki: Oh, wow.
Nayeema Raza: I'm actually curious: when early days of a relationship, what is the number one piece of advice you'd give to people to make it work? How do I not mess this up, Jillian?
Jillian Turecki: [laughs] I don't know if I can distill it to one piece of advice, but I'll give you some important ones. Take your time getting to know someone and make sure that you are transparent about who you are. I think that oftentimes what people do, we try to put our best foot forward in the beginning, and I think that we should. In fact, I think that we should be aiming to put our best foot forward 20 years in.
A lot of people aren't really themselves in the beginning because they're nervous, they don't want to lose the person, they want to appear a certain way. Really, the more that you can actually be you and be discerning about who another person is, the better. You don't have to rush it just because you feel excited about someone.
Nayeema Raza: That is such good advice. I feel like I spent so much of my 20s pretending I liked random sports ball that I did not actually like.
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Nayeema Raza: Then you have to coming out of the closet, which is like, "I've never liked cricket anyways."
Jillian Turecki: Oh, yes, totally. So many people I've spoken to is like, "Yes, I pretended I liked camping because he was really hot."
Nayeema Raza: Oh my gosh.
Jillian Turecki: I was like, "I hate camping."
Nayeema Raza: Camping, I do not like it. Listeners, if you're with us, please call in with your questions. If you're looking for dating advice, if you're looking for breakup advice, I'm here with relationship guru Jillian Turecki, a perfect person to get advice from. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza, and you're listening to Please Advise. Our lines are open at 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. I think that I have some guests here today. I have Sarah in West Orange. Let's hear her.
Sarah: Hello?
Nayeema Raza: Hi, Sarah. How are you?
Sarah: I'm well. Thank you for taking my call. I have a question about getting started with dating. I'm recently out of a seven-year-long relationship, and this has been about two months since we moved out. We were living with each other, and now I'm two months living on my own, and seven years together is over with my boyfriend. I've recently been asked out on a date. I don't feel ready to go on this date, but I think I should try it out because I haven't dated in so long. What's your advice?
Nayeema Raza: Okay. Oh, no, you're good. Thank you so much, Sarah. Jillian, what's your advice? What about the tryout date?
Jillian Turecki: I think you should go for it. How old are you?
Sarah: I'm 27. I've been in this relationship for all of my 20s, really.
Jillian Turecki: Oh, absolutely. I think you should go on the date. There is no pressure. Don't put any pressure on yourself to meet your next partner. I think you just have to go with the, "Yes, I'm just exploring. I'm experimenting. I'm seeing how I feel. I don't know if I'm ready, but I'm going to go and try anyway." You can be very honest with people that you're fresh out of a relationship. You really don't know what you want, but you wanted to meet people and put yourself out there. Just be honest about it. I think the worst thing you could do is stay home and tell yourself that you have to give yourself a certain amount of time. I think you should go for it.
Nayeema Raza: All right. Sarah, I hope you go. When are you going?
Sarah: Possibly this Sunday. I will go. Thank you, guys. [chuckles]
Nayeema Raza: Take a good outfit.
Jillian Turecki: You're welcome.
Nayeema Raza: Thank you, Sarah, for calling. All right. I think we have a next question here. That was good advice. It is sometimes so hard to take the first step, but all of the literature that we see out there is actually taking the first step helps you keep moving through life.
Jillian Turecki: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.
Nayeema Raza: I feel for Sarah. I've been there in the long breakup, and the logistics of moving out are not easy, especially in the city. I think we have another call from Paulina from Bed-Stuy. Let's listen. Hi, Paulina.
Paulina: Hi. How are you?
Nayeema Raza: I'm well. I'm Nayeema. I'm here with Jillian Turecki, certified relationship coach.
Paulina: My question is about specifically dating in New York City. I am not from New York City originally. I moved here when I was 23, and I feel like there's just this attitude that dating in New York is nearly impossible these days. I'm curious why that is and what we can do to combat that narrative.
Nayeema Raza: All right. I have a theory here, but Jillian, you jump in. Have you dated in New York or lived in New York, Jillian?
Jillian Turecki: Oh, I was born and raised in New York. I lived my whole life in New York City.
Nayeema Raza: Okay, you know. [laughs]
Jillian Turecki: Yes, I lived my entire life in New York City. I'm a New York City girl. Listen, any of the coastal cities, any of the big cities in this country, it's going to be a little bit harder, especially because of New York. A lot of people come to New York to have fun, to party, to experience the exhilarating part of life and work, but there are lots of people who are actually meeting people.
I think that to combat that narrative, as you so eloquently put, I think a big part of it is talk to the people who are actually dating successfully and are in relationships, because sometimes we get consumed by a narrative that we read on social media, and most people on social media are sharing their nightmare stories. Most people are not actually sharing their success stories. I think that love has never been easy to find. This has never been something that you can just wake up one morning and say, "I'm ready to be in a relationship," and then poof, your person appears. It's never been like that.
I think you just have to keep an open mind. I think you have to keep your intentions very clear with yourself and with others, and it will most likely, not guaranteed, but more than likely take you longer to find someone than you would like. That's just part of the deal. A big, big part of it also is not wasting your time on anyone who you're not really into because, I don't know, you're bored, you're lonely, whatever it is.
Nayeema Raza: So interesting. Yes, put yourself out there, but don't stay out there if you're not in the right thing is the advice you're giving. I have a theory here, Jillian, and thank you so much, Paulina, for this question. I have a theory for you too. I think, one, New York is not the worst place to date. It's just the best place to be single.
Jillian Turecki: [chuckles] Yes. It's a great place to be single, yes, but it's a great place to meet a lot of people.
Nayeema Raza: It is.
Jillian Turecki: It's a great place to meet people.
Nayeema Raza: I think the second part of that is, Fran Lebowitz would maybe give this advice on this line, but it's like we don't notice anymore because we're in our phones and we're in such a rush. New York City can also be a challenging city to meet somebody and to actually just notice if someone glanced at you or said hi to you because you're just rushing through your day. I do think slowing down, which is not something that we New Yorkers like to do, will help you maybe meet someone in real life if that's what you're looking to do
Jillian Turecki: Yes, and I would say put away the phone. I would say take yourself to coffee, take yourself to a meal, sit somewhere. Don't have your earbuds in. Don't have your phone. Maybe have a book out and just be open.
Nayeema Raza: Hey, it worked for Dua Lipa, so it could work for us.
Jillian Turecki: Exactly.
Nayeema Raza: Thank you so much, Paulina, for that question. I think we have a next one coming in from Vanessa in Park Slope. All right, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Hi there.
Nayeema Raza: Hi.
Vanessa: Am I on the air? Hi.
Nayeema Raza: You are.
Vanessa: Thank you for taking my call. I have a question, looking for some advice, on how to stay friends with an ex after a breakup when you're trying many times, but you can't get over these feelings of hurt and maybe jealousy.
Nayeema Raza: Ooh, hurt and jealousy, [crosstalk].
Jillian Turecki: I have a lot to say about that.
Nayeema Raza: Please.
Jillian Turecki: I think one of the hardest things for people and for couples to accept is that when the relationship ends, you may not be able to transition to friendship right away or at all. Now, some relationships never end, they just change form. Some relationships seamlessly move into friendship because both parties, both people, really felt that they were no longer supposed to be in a relationship with one another. They had already become roommates or best friends, and so they're able to transition.
Sometimes the transition is something that takes years. When the emotions are raw, which is usually the case at the end of a relationship, I think that it's really best to be able to say, "Let's let go right now, and we can check in in the future, see if we can have a friendship," but you have to do what it takes to heal and to help yourself move on, and that's hard because it means you have to let go.
Nayeema Raza: Vanessa, thank you so much for that question. I'm curious if you'll stay friends.
Vanessa: Thank you.
Nayeema Raza: If you're just tuning in, you're listening to Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. I'm here with certified relationship coach Jillian Turecki, a wonderful author. We're talking all things dating, and we want your questions. Our lines are open. You can call us at 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. Call us with your questions. If you've got advice, come join us. Give us your advice. Tell us if you've figured out dating in New York. We're going to take a quick break, and we'll be right back for more of Please Advise on WNYC.
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Nayeema Raza: You're listening to Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. Today, we're talking dating, getting your dating questions, and I'm here with relationship guru and author Jillian Turecki. Our lines are blowing up. If you have a question, by the way, call us. It's 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. Jillian, I think we have our first guy here calling.
Jillian Turecki: Fantastic. Bring it.
Nayeema Raza: I was worried only the women are dating in New York. This explains something. All right. Let's see. Who do we have? Matthew in Washington Heights.
Matthew (Washington Heights): Thanks for taking my call. I guess I heard you say earlier that you really have to meet people in real life, which I am doing, but is there also a little bit of room for online dating as well, or is it just all or none?
Jillian Turecki: Oh, absolutely. I would say do it all. I would say do it all. I think my only thing is that I don't want people to just rely on the apps. Yes, go on the apps. Make sure that your profile is showing the true you. Not with the sunglasses on, where you can barely see who you are. Make sure that your profile reveals some of your values and some of the things that you want to do. Then also try to meet people in real life. Look, the people I know and who I've worked with who found love and found a relationship, they exhausted everything. They left no stone unturned because they were very driven and motivated to meet someone. I would just say it's not one or the other. It's all.
Nayeema Raza: That's good advice. I hope, Matthew, you will take it. A little bit of dating app and a lot of IRL, basically.
Jillian Turecki: Just all of it.
Nayeema Raza: All of it.
Jillian Turecki: All of it.
Nayeema Raza: Be everywhere all at once.
Jillian Turecki: Be everywhere, yes.
Nayeema Raza: All right. I think we have our next question, which is another Matthew, but this one in Bedford.
Jillian Turecki: Great.
Matthew (Bedford): Hello. Boy, I've actually gotten on a radio show [chuckles]. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I am calling because I have a very good friend who told me this was on today. I am in my late 60s. I'm 69. I was married until 2014. I have had a few relationships, but it is so difficult. My question for you is really: how do you deal with the fact that so many people have baggage from the past, and you have some of your own, but I'm really trying to stay aware of that?
I don't know whether it's better to be on-- I guess it's better to be out. It's so hard to meet someone organically, and I would love that to be easier. I think that's much more authentic and much more successful. I'm asking you too many questions, but you seem to have a great deal of knowledge, so I'm interested.
Jillian Turecki: What particular interests do you have, and are you physically active?
Matthew (Bedford): I'm very physically active. I think if it's, what, 7 days a week, I'm working out 10 days. Not a little, but every day and a lot.
Jillian Turecki: Okay, fantastic. You can join some sort of league. You can go on a biking trip. I don't know if you're a runner, but you could do some sort of running thing, or you could go to a yoga studio where there's tons of women. Do you date women? I'm just making that assumption.
Matthew (Bedford): Oh, yes, I'm only interested in women.
Jillian Turecki: Okay. Go where the women are. Go to the yoga studios. Now, the problem with some of these yoga studios is a lot of them are going to be too young for you. However, you just never know. You could check out an Iyengar Yoga class, which typically, not always, but sometimes has older people in it. Like I said, you could go on a biking trip. You could do some sort of adventure travel if you have those resources. This is how you're going to have to meet people. If you have some sort of intellectual interests or art interests, go to these events, go to these things. There's going to be lots of women there. That's my advice to you.
Nayeema Raza: Thank you for that advice, Jillian. Very quickly, because we have a lot of calls coming in. One quick thing: what about asking for setups? How do you think people should ask for setups?
Jillian Turecki: I think that's a great question. I think you could say, "Look," ask directly, "I'm available. Please invite me. If there's a dinner party, please invite me out. If you know anyone, I'm open to be set up."
Nayeema Raza: Okay. All right. Thank you, Matthew, for this question. I think maybe we'll be matchmaking on this show, I don't know,-
Jillian Turecki: Maybe. We might be.
Nayeema Raza: -on Please Advise on WNYC. We have a call from Vinny in Hudson Valley, and she has a not dissimilar question.
Vinny: Hi. Thank you for taking my call. How you doing, Matt?
[laughter]
Vinny: Anyway, I came of age. I was young and dating in the city in the '80s and '90s. It was never easy, I feel, for women, but it was nothing like how it is now at age 62. When my ex and I moved out after 9/11, I moved into the small towns in the Hudson Valley, raised my kids here, and being single over 60, [chuckles] it's like The Hunger Games for geriatrics. It's terrible. I've been listening to you. I love your advice. I've done almost everything you would say. Now, I'm also stuck in a long commute, so it's not like I have time to go to those third spaces. What would you say to someone like me?
Jillian Turecki: It's not like you have time to go where?
Nayeema Raza: To the third spaces, Vinny said.
Vinny: Joining groups and joining clubs and hanging out at cafes. I get out when I can. Jazz brunch with the friends and see who's hanging out.
Nayeema Raza: But you can't go play pickleball during your commute, for example?
Vinny: I don't want anything to do with pickleball.
Nayeema Raza: [laughs]
Vinny: I do like going jogging. Go ahead. [chuckles]
Jillian Turecki: There's a couple of things that I'm going to say, and not all of it you're going to love. For sure, it gets harder as you get older to meet someone, so there's no doubt. However, I just spoke to a woman who's 81 years old, and she has a new boyfriend. It is possible, and I think a lot of it is mindset. Also, I don't know, maybe where you're living is not conducive for meeting someone. Have you ever considered moving or relocating so that you can be around more people?
Vinny: I've considered all that. I've been priced out of the city.
Jillian Turecki: That I understand, but maybe a little closer to the city.
Vinny: I moved with my kids so many times. This house is my last stand. It's a modest property, and I've moved, I can't even tell you how many times. That's the last thing I want to do. I think-
Jillian Turecki: I understand that.
Vinny: -a lot of women my age, we come to a point where we just decide, "I don't want it bad enough to do those kind of measures." I think the reality of New York is important to acknowledge. I may have dropped to a six in Manhattan, but I might still be an eight in Cincinnati. I don't know.
[laughter]
Vinny: The disadvantage is real. You can't deny that.
Jillian Turecki: I understand, but you said something important: you have to want it enough, or you just live your life and love your life and do things in this chapter of your life that gives your days and your weeks and your months and your year meaning. You surround yourself with friendship love, with family love, and then you leave it up to fate. That is one thing that you can do.
I'm not saying you have to move, and I understand your point, but you can make the decision that, actually, it is very worth it to me. That might mean maybe not moving, but being inconvenienced enough to put yourself out there, and it's really a matter of either one. Where I really want people to not get accustomed to is living in the gray and not really taking any action either way.
I think you have to make a decision, and really, I don't want you to lie to yourself, but I really want you to watch the stories that you might be telling yourself about, well, it's this and that, and dating in the '80s and '90s. You have to really stand guard of your mind and not let your mind play tricks on you and just say, "Look, this is what I'm deciding I'm going to do with this chapter of my life right now."
Nayeema Raza: I think that's great advice out there. Jillian, your first book was actually titled It Begins With You, which I think resonates with this advice that you have just given to Vinny. For those of you listening, this is Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. I'm here with relationship expert and author Jillian Turecki, and we're talking about all things dating, looking for your person, breaking up, finding love in this difficult city but possible city that is New York. Call us if you have questions, if you have advice. It's 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. Our lines are open. Jillian, I think we have somebody who has some advice to share with us, wisdom. Let's hear from Roger in Rockland County.
Roger: Hi. Can you hear me?
Nayeema Raza: We can.
Roger: Hi. Fantastic show. Lots of good advice. I just wanted to share my personal story. About 30 years ago, I was coming out of a relationship. I was working in a factory with the same guys every day, and I was moping around for about two years. One of the guys finally pulled me off to the side, and he said, "Hey." He said, "You've got to get out and do the things you enjoy doing and just be yourself. People will see that you are happy, and then that's the only way you will attract someone. Your personal hobbies and travel, whatever it is you want to do. You can't force it. If you don't like golf, don't go play golf. If you don't like yoga, for God's sakes, don't go to a yoga studio."
Taking that advice, I eventually met my wife, and I've been happily married for 18 years now. I'll just never forget this gentleman 30 years ago. I don't know where he's at today. Get out, do the things you truly enjoy, and the pain will go away, but you've got to help it go away. I think you've alluded to that throughout your show, but I just wanted to share my story with you. Thank you.
Jillian Turecki: Oh, that's wonderful.
Nayeema Raza: Thank you, Roger.
Jillian Turecki: That's really wonderful. Thank you.
Nayeema Raza: Do you co-sign, Jillian?
Jillian Turecki: Oh, absolutely. I think you can't decide that your life will only have meaning once you're in a relationship. You have to live your life and make it as meaningful as possible now.
Nayeema Raza: Yes. I love that. I'm here with Jillian Turecki, relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author of It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. She's got a new book out called Rewrite Your Story: How to Step Into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve. Today, Jillian's helping us get the advice we deserve in New York City dating. If you want some, call us. The phone lines are open. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. Our number is 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. I think we have a call here right now. Let's see. Let's get Nina from Westchester.
Nina: Hello. Can you hear me?
Nayeema Raza: We can, Nina.
Nina: Oh, great. Okay. [laughs] I'm 58, and I'm single. I was trying to make this question concise, but it's a little difficult. I'm doing the online dating thing kind of lightly. I go out on these dates, one, two, but it's like these men, they seem interested. They're nice. I don't know if I've been crazy about anybody, but it's always left very vague, the follow-up. Then there might be these vague texts back and forth. Like one guy, [laughs] he sent me a text like a month later, like, "Hi, I've been thinking of you. I'm so busy."
It seems very open-ended and vague, and that's okay, but I feel like I'm playing a slightly different game now that I'm older. Everybody seems very tentative. I know my female friends around the same age that are doing this also. It feels murky, and I don't quite know how to proceed. [laughs] I'm splashing around, what is this? It's weird. It's very weird.
Nayeema Raza: I love your question, Nina. It's in this open-ended world of benching and breadcrumbing and keeping things light and checking in every month. How do you make things actually progress? I think that's what Nina's really asking.
Jillian Turecki: Yes, but I do have a question for you, Nina. You said that all the ones who are just being casual, whatever, you weren't very struck by any of them, were you, from the beginning? You weren't actually that interested in them, right?
Nina: I would say I'm one of those people where it's like my heart gets taken quickly, but as I've gotten older, I think I'm just like, hey, it takes time. Sometimes I've fallen for people that actually weren't great or really wasn't right. Give some people some time. I liked them enough and found them interesting enough, but it's hard to read. I feel like I'm more open to saying, "Well, let me go--" It's weird. I heard what you're saying about moving on, not wasting time, but at this point in life, as that [laughs] other woman said, you don't want to move on too quick. You want to give people a little bit of time.
Jillian Turecki: Nina, here's what I think. Look, what I've noticed a lot of people when they're dating is that they have these major expectations that someone is going to be pursuing them when they're not even that interested in the person anyway. Maybe there wasn't really that much chemistry, or there wasn't that much anything, and so it's just like one of those connections that's just fizzling out.
I think if you really like someone and they're acting sheepish about it, it's so incredibly important to not have scarcity be the reason why you pursue anything with anyone, honestly. That doesn't mean that you have to have these impossible standards, but I think you just have to have the mindset of, look, if they're interested, then I'll hear from them again. If they reach out to me a month later, you could say, "Oh--" It's like, instead of trying to analyze their behavior, ask yourself, "Is this someone who I actually even enjoyed my date with?" If it's not, don't respond. If it is, you could say something like, "Hey, stranger, didn't know if you died. Haven't heard from you in a month." Something playful. Something playful.
Nayeema Raza: Yes, cute or invite to something. Then I guess, Jillian, is there still that he's just not that into you. You got to, at some point, move it on, right?
Jillian Turecki: Yes. The point that I'm trying to say, though, that is so important, I don't want it to get lost, is that too many women are focused on, "Does he like me? Does he not like me?" The point I'm trying to make is, did you even like them? Regardless of how they're behaving post-date, what did you actually feel about them? Because maybe they're just being a little bit casual because you didn't even really like them either. Don't turn this into a game where you are trying to get chosen by someone that you weren't even that interested in.
Nayeema Raza: You need to step up and choose is the advice that we're hearing from Jillian, not just wait to be chosen.
Jillian Turecki: Yes. Some people will be casual, and some people will be bored, and some people are non-committal, and those are the people that I would just ignore.
Nayeema Raza: Nina, good luck out there. I know it's tough, but keep going. You will get chosen. It is very different. When you meet somebody who does it, you really know that you're there, and then you think, "What was I doing in that murky time? What was I doing?"
Jillian Turecki: Yes, exactly.
Nayeema Raza: I'm here with Jillian Turecki, bestselling author, relationship expert, and we're answering your questions and hearing your advice on all things dating, so feel free to give us a ring. We're at 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. This is Please Advise on WNYC. We're going to take a quick break, and we'll be right back.
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Nayeema Raza: Welcome back to Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. Usually, I host a podcast called Smart Girl, Dumb Questions, but today, I'm here helping you get answers to your smart questions on Please Advise. I'm here with relationship expert Jillian Turecki, and we are answering all your questions about dating. You can call us at 212-433-WNYC. That's 212-433-9692. I think we have a question already on the lines from Eve from Bronxville. Let's hear from her.
Eve: Hi. It's not so much a question. Good afternoon to both of you.
Nayeema Raza: Oh. Good afternoon, Eve.
Eve: I'm one in my group, one of three, that we're all in our mid-50s, recently married successfully, beautifully. Just a bit of advice for the ladies that called earlier today. Go out there, have fun, they're forgetting to have fun, but with intention. You have to date with intention. Is your intention to be married? Is your intention to have a playmate? Is your intention to have a roommate for life? What is the intention?
Put that forth, and after that, everything develops organically. I like you, you like me. The phone calls after two or three days, "Hey, remember me?" If he wanted to, he would, and if you wanted to, you would. I think it's really simple, and it's only murky because I think we're making it murky. We've been doing this for millions and millions and millions of years. Don't reinvent the wheel. That's my comment.
Nayeema Raza: All right. Eve, thank you. Eve on the other side with a success story in New York, and I'm curious if it's like we make it murky or we let it stay murky. What do you think, Jillian?
Jillian Turecki: I think it's a combination of things. I think that there's a vulnerability deficit that's going on right now. I don't think that people are being open. I think that now everything is about self-protection, and people are not giving each other a chance and opening up. I think it's the fact that I think technology plays a role, that we think that the next best thing is just a swipe away, when that's absolutely not true, and so losing some of our humanity. I think that we get in our heads, and we overcomplicate things. We're listening to some bad advice on the internet, and we're not listening to our inner compass. In that way, we are definitely making things murkier.
Nayeema Raza: I hear you. Lined with Eve, we have Anthony from the Bronx, and he has also some, I think, advice for people in their 60s. Hi, Anthony.
Anthony: Hi. Good afternoon, ladies. I just wanted to say that, personally, I've had 3 major relationships over the past almost 40 years of my life. I'm going on 68 years old. I started cohabitating very young in life. Back in the '70s, a lot of people, we got together and thought that it would be great to have somebody there, with the intent on probably getting married, but it never happened for me. I spent all of my young years just not getting to know myself and always worrying about somebody else's happiness.
My advice to most people out there is that if you're free right now in your life, and you're up there in age, get to enjoy your life, get to know yourself, to be happy with yourself, because if you're not happy with yourself, you can't be happy with someone else, and stay away from people. Like you said, a lot of people have baggage now. Most women in my age bracket, they got kids living with them, grandkids, and everything else. Unfortunately, I just don't want to deal with that at this point in my life. That's all I have to say. Thank you.
Nayeema Raza: [chuckles] Thank you, Anthony. Thank you for that advice.
Jillian Turecki: Thank you.
Nayeema Raza: I like Anthony's advice. It reminds me of a time where a friend of mine, Mara Gay, we used to work together at The New York Times. I was in this relationship, and she looked at me. I was talking about all my confusion about it, and she said, "Nayeema, you got to get right with yourself in your head before you go out there."
[laughter]
Jillian Turecki: Yes, good advice.
Nayeema Raza: Jillian, famously, your first book, bestselling book, was 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. We're hearing so much from people calling in today about intentions, and yourself, and what you want, and making what you want known. I'm so curious, just very quickly because we do have a lot of people on the line, how do you set your intentions, and when do you communicate them to someone else?
Jillian Turecki: I think you set the intention with yourself and you say, "What do I want?" I think that's one of the most important questions that a person can answer for themselves. What kind of relationship do I want? Who is right for me? Who am I right for? I think that that's harder when you're younger, in your 20s, because you're still in such a self-discovery phase, but you can still ask yourself those questions. Then I think you have to be open about it from the first date. You're not telling the person, "I want to marry you."
You're saying, "One day, I'd like to get married. This is why I'm dating." Be very upfront about it.
Nayeema Raza: We're going to get to more listener questions in a second. If you want to call in, it's 212-433-WNYC. This is Please Advise. I'm Nayeema Raza, in conversation with relationship expert Jillian Turecki. On that point, can you be too intentional? Do you also have to communicate with yourself what you're willing to do and compromise to be in a relationship? Because I think in New York City, as you were saying, it is a city of convenience. We are so used to everything as we want it, when we want it, on demand, at our fingertips. Relationships take compromise, and sometimes I think the city and the way we succeed in it doesn't sit well with compromise.
Jillian Turecki: Yes. I think we're talking about two different things. No, there's no such thing as being too intentional, but there is such a thing as having unrealistic expectations and standards. I always tell people, figure out five things that you non-negotiably need, and then be completely flexible about the rest. You're going to want someone to be tolerant of you, and the ways in which you are can be difficult, and you have your own baggage. We have to have tolerance. That's very important. While, at the same time, being crystal clear about what is intolerable. Yes, in New York City, I think there's always someone better at the next swipe, the next party, and actually, it's not true.
Nayeema Raza: That is good advice. I appreciate it.
Jillian Turecki: Not always true, I should say.
Nayeema Raza: Not always true. You're listening to Please Advise. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza, in conversation with relationship expert Jillian Turecki. I think we have a question here from Gwen from Westchester.
Gwen: Hi.
Nayeema Raza: Hi, Gwen.
Gwen: Can you hear me?
Nayeema Raza: We can.
Gwen: Okay. I'm 78 years old. I've been widowed after a pretty happy marriage, a long marriage of close to 40 years, and I've been going on some of the dating apps. My question is: I want a close, emotional, affectionate, romantic, and sexual relationship. I don't want to get married, and I don't necessarily care about living with somebody, but if it evolved to that, that would be fine.
Most of the men that I've met at my age or a little older, I don't know if men at that age are still interested in sex. It's not like I want to jump into it quickly. I'd like it to evolve to when I'm comfortable and they're comfortable, so it could take a while, but I don't want to waste my time because I don't need more friends. I'm just wondering how to navigate that. I know sometimes men have more challenges sexually, which is okay if we could work around that, but are they still interested?
Nayeema Raza: All right. Gwen, what happened?
Jillian Turecki: Some are, and some aren't. I think you have to maybe go for a younger man. You can go for a younger man. You can go for a man who's 10, 15 years younger than you, if you're in shape and whatnot. Is it going to be as easy to find a man in your age group who's as interested in sex as someone who's in their 20s or 30s or 40s? No, but are there plenty of men in their 70s who like sex, who can still have sex, who want sex? Absolutely. Absolutely.
Nayeema Raza: [laughs] We wish you luck, Gwen. I think this actually really dovetails well into the next question we have from Mary. She has a question about, I think, age differences in dating. Let's hear from Mary, and hopefully that will help further answer your question, Gwen. Mary, are you with us?
Mary: I am. Can you hear me?
Nayeema Raza: We can.
Mary: Okay. I'm dating online, and I've met many, many pretty wonderful guys, but it seems to be that I'm 63, and I possibly look quite a bit younger than my age. I get a lot of interested guys that are in their 40s, and I'm a little bit concerned that, what am I going to get myself into? Is society really, really going to be okay with me dating somebody that is 45 or 44? That's my question. Is society really going to be open to this?
Jillian Turecki: I would say that you should worry less about what society says, and more be realistic that in about 5 to 10 years, it's possible that this person will not want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I'm sorry, but we have to be very real about this reality. Because in 10 years, you're going to be 73 and they're going to be early 50s, there is a chance, a strong chance, not a guarantee, but a strong chance that the relationship is not going to be forever.
If that's okay with you, and you feel like, generationally, there are still things in common, because I think there's a difference between that and a 50-year-old, for example, being with a 25-year-old, where the generational gap is so wide, I don't even know what you would have to talk about. I think as long as you can say, "This feels like an adventure for me right now, this feels like love for me right now," and you're not thinking about forever, I think society is becoming more and more used to the fact that there's a lot of older women dating younger men. That's just something that I think you have to not let society tell you what to do.
Nayeema Raza: All right. Go forth, Mary. I'm so curious how it goes and if it will last beyond the expected timeline. Let's see. This is Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza, in conversation with relationship expert Jillian Turecki. We're answering your questions. We have a bunch to get through, so we're going to move quickly through the last couple. We have one from Robert here right now. Robert from Mount Vernon. Let's [crosstalk].
Robert: Ah.
Nayeema Raza: Hi.
Robert: Good day. Yes, Robert from Westchester. I agree with what I've heard so far in the call. I'm approaching 60. I'm two years away. It'd be ideal to meet somebody organically, but in conjunction with that, I've been on these dating sites and have not been getting a lot of success. To compound things, I came out as bi/queer three years ago, and I hesitate to even put that out there because it's hard enough [laughs] trying to find female companionship. I just fear that having my sexuality be known upfront would make the pickings even less, even though I do value transparency and being open. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now.
Nayeema Raza: Is your question when to disclose?
Robert: Pardon me?
Nayeema Raza: Is your question when to disclose that?
Robert: Yes. Is it best to be upfront from the get-go?
Jillian Turecki: Yes, you must be upfront right away.
Nayeema Raza: Okay. That's clear advice. Clear advice. Thank you so much, Robert. We have time for one more question. I'm going to get Sam from Bridgewater here, and we have a couple minutes. Sam, jump in. Tell us your question.
Sam: Hi. I'm a recent divorcee, and I'm convinced that monogamous relationships set up people for unrealistic expectations. I'm looking to find non-monogamous relationships, but I don't know how to start.
Nayeema Raza: All right. Jillian, what do you think?
Jillian Turecki: I think you can put it on a dating app that that's what you're looking for. That's where I would start.
Nayeema Raza: All right. I think we have time for one last question. Jan from Chatham. I think it's more of advice than the question. Jan, what were you going to say? Or Jan.
Jan: Jan.
Nayeema Raza: Jan. Sorry, I thought it was Jan. I'm making you Dutch for some reason on WNYC. Tell me, Jan, what's your question or advice? All right. Wait. We might have lost Jan, but she had said to us, Jillian, that WNYC should host a singles night. What do you think of that idea?
Jillian Turecki: Yes, I'm into it.
Nayeema Raza: [laughs] Are you going to come?
Jillian Turecki: I'll come.
Nayeema Raza: You're a New Yorker. You got to come. You got to be here.
Jillian Turecki: Of course. Of course.
Nayeema Raza: That's the end of our hour. Jillian, this has been so helpful. I know that there are lots of people on the line still waiting for your advice. You have millions of people who are looking for your advice. I am one of them. I've long been one of them. Jillian, thank you so much for being here. You can find Jillian Turecki's expert relationship advice @jillianturecki on social. You can pre-order her new book, Rewrite Your Story, which is out in just a few months.
That's the end of our hour on Please Advise on WNYC. I'm your host, Nayeema Raza. I usually host a podcast called Smart Girl, Dumb Questions. You can find that wherever you listen to podcasts, or you can come back tomorrow because we have more Please Advise. Sadly, I won't be here with you, Jillian, but we are going to go from dating to mating.
Jillian Turecki: Ooh.
Nayeema Raza: We're just moving it through in this New York speed, this week on Please Advise.
Jillian Turecki: Oh, thank you so much for having me. It was my pleasure to be here
Nayeema Raza: It was such a pleasure. Hopefully I'll see you soon. You got to come on Smart Girl, Dumb Questions too. I really enjoyed this. I would love that.
Jillian Turecki: I would love it.
Nayeema Raza: Congrats on the new book. Love the advice, and I love the question. WNYC host a singles night. Let's go.
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